The Relationship Game

Trying to get back in the game of relationships these days. The last few years have been incredibly difficult in my life. For seven years, I allowed myself to live in a home that offered no nurturing and I watched and felt my love for my husband dissipate with each attempt to repair our bond. During our last year together, we lived together with the knowledge of the demise of our marriage between us. That year was hard, but it offered a release that allowed both of us to regain parts of ourselves while we still shared an abode. Because we placed value on that time together, we managed to grow the part of the bond that allows us to be friends. We are now respectful with each other and are looking out for the best interest of our daughter. With that common goal at the forefront of our minds, our communication is given a specific focus. There have been times where I miss him terribly, even questioning my decision. However, I still remember the pain that drove me to ask for a separation and I know we are not destined to be lovers ever again. He has come to me and called me about his own feelings of late. I know I have to be strong, despite my heart still reaching out to him, and cannot offer myself as an advisor or sounding board for his feelings. It is too difficult to separate myself to be a neutral party to his current affairs.

Now, I am out experimenting again with bonds and relationships and the many levels there are to traverse with each. Prior to my marriage, I was able to easily separate my emotions in the midst of sexual relationships. I was in the swing of the singles-scene and had my feet planted firmly beneath me with every new encounter. I was rarely swept off my feet (really only once with my hubby) and managed to maintain relationships with a few different men at once. With intention, I carefully discouraged expectations and kept myself from having any of my own. It was a fun time to explore life. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular to share in my adventures and therefore, my friends were varied and my life experiences were grand.

Fortunately, I have grown up a lot in the last nine years of being a married person. My viewpoints are matured, not only by the years, but also by having tried so many variables to attract the attention of the man who should have had me at the forefront of his mind all along. It was so trying, and disheartening, to permit myself to continue with the hope that something may yet come of the lack that I was experiencing. Of course, nothing ever did, and I am now in the process of a divorce. Finally, my husband now seems to "see" me after all these years. Unfortunately, my heart was shattered too many times to be repaired for that to begin again. Why can't men really "see" the women they become involved with? Do we all do this? It seems that the years would bring the details of a person into focus. Instead, the time together often seems to blur the uniqueness the other sees and many people seem to lose focus of who the person we're with is growing into.

Now, I'm processing another shift in my perspective. During the past few months, I have enjoyed spending time with someone special. I suppose we could continue as we are, focusing much of our free time on each other and enjoying increasing intimacy as time goes on. However, I have instead decided to give myself a gift. The gift of honesty. The truth is often painful, but can also give you wings. I don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship and he admitted to the same. So, from a place of self-worth, I decided that limiting our relationship to being friends is the best solution for me right now.

At this point in my life, I do not wish to adjust my wishes for having a meaningful relationship in order to accomodate a lover with 'potential.' I feel like I have spent too much time compromising and trying to get my lovers to "see" me. Often, men will tell me about other women as if they are putting them on a pedastal for their physical beauty, when the real beauty of a person comes from within. I appreciate everyone I know as a Beautiful Person. I do not have trouble finding something beautiful about everyone I meet. Even people who seem totally at a loss to find their own beauty can emit enough of their spirit to show the beautiful light inside. It only takes a few kind words and some special attention to let that person see what I see. It makes me a popular friend, I guess. With many men, my insights and attention make them feel good about themselves, so they offer enough to keep me around. But, I often feel like I have to "teach" them to be good with me. Does that make their subsequent motions insincere or calculated? It's difficult to know what is truthful impulse and what is reaction in a budding, yet intimate, relationship. So, I am off to continue my search for a partner who wants to share with me as an equal in an equitable relationship where we both appreciate each other and offer a form of affection that reflects that appreciation. As a giving person, I often put too much out there for anyone to match. Working on this aspect has been a priority for my interactions lately. My intention to make this positive change is working and I know that I will continue to grow healthier – mentally and emotionally.

I wish healthy growth for us all.

Peace out.