I love Halloween. Doesn't everyone who's a kid at heart? My daughter sang the cutest song for me that she'd learned at school. The line I liked the best: Grab your sacks and atack the streets/Join in the travelling costume show. I like that concept... a travelling costume show.
I have been busily putting together four costumes this season. One I've already worn... it was a hit and the hostess of the party didn't recognize me when I walked in, despite that my face was not covered, except that I was wearing a hat ... a wonderful, red top hat. My second costume I will wear tonight. It is the one my daughter is most tired of... a witch. I am a witch always and for Halloween I actually dress up as one. I'm working a 'haunted house' with some friends tonight for the trick-or-treaters in their neighborhood. It will be fun, though I will miss getting to hand out candy in my own neighborhood. I am also pulling together a costume for my daughter to be the "Corpse Bride." I've made a blue-ish wig from yarn and found a white wedding costume dress. We'll add a flower wreath and a sheer blue veil and be done. She's so excited!
My last costume will be worn this weekend at Nattig, a Pagan festival. This will be worn in a New Orleans-style funeral procession, with another top hat and whitish clothing that I'm sewing on nearly nightly. I am so excited to be participating as a musician in this festival. Afterwards, I expect I will shower all the paint off and change again into something darker. No shortage of party opportunities these days. I love parties. ;-)
Peace out.
I wish for a safe and fun Halloween for all!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I can bleed as well as anyone
As I suspected, the integrity of this posting format is too compromised for me to spill the real truth. I find I cannot blog what I would journal. So, I guess I either stop blogging or find something socially acceptable to write about.
hmmmm. my mind is too full of crap right now to do that.
why do people tell you one thing then do another? How can we all be so blind to our own issues and have such great insights into others' situations? Why do I care?
my iTunes player seems to know me. It likes to spring one of my many hundreds of songs on me just when I need to hear that particular song. How does "random play" know?
How can I feel so fragile and still put up a strong front when my mind is chaos and my heart is a mess? How can a friend take me into consideration one minute, then leave me out to dry the next?
I can find whatever I need within myself, so why do I even look outside for anything at all? That's the real message, as it always is. However, I guess I need to look at my life from afar again. Like peering through the hole of the moon onto this little floating planet to see how I keep making the same mistakes. Making the same miscalculations. I shouldn't even be attempting this, I guess. My heart is way too fragile, apparently. Not so much that as it is that I keep putting myself out there. But, I decided a long time ago that putting myself out there is the only way to really live. I have to take a chance or I'll never know. It's just painful sometimes. Even when I can successfully pull myself back and prepare for whatever is to come, my feelings still get trompled on when sincerely-expressed concerns are disregarded. Everyone else's feelings are taken into consideration, except – specifically – mine. It's not anticipated for me to care or have feelings anymore, it seems.
I suppose the events that led me to make a good choice for myself need to be repeated somehow... maybe to drive the point home? maybe to prove that I was making a huge mistake in the first place? I don't know. I'm still way too close to it and and the words of explanation are still reverberating in my head, alongside my own inner voice screaming "What about me? What about how that makes ME feel?" I was the one who had the issues with the treatment to which I was exposed. I brought up my issues in a 'safe' context that I hope was growthful and healthy for everyone. I even followed up with external parties who were involved by mere proximity to ensure that no misunderstandings persisted. Now, I'm being made to feel like the other person was the victim and that the third party, who was more than a mere catalyst, now somehow deserves a red carpet reception. Like the actions were all so innocent, how dare anyone question them? The accountability for it rests... where? I believe I've taken responsibility for the parts that were my own insecurities speaking.
If we all teach people how to treat us, I guess I've been showing myself as a masochistic doormat... or maybe a red carpet to be laid down for others to walk upon.
"I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep."
mrs. potter's lullaby
-- Counting Crows
hmmmm. my mind is too full of crap right now to do that.
why do people tell you one thing then do another? How can we all be so blind to our own issues and have such great insights into others' situations? Why do I care?
my iTunes player seems to know me. It likes to spring one of my many hundreds of songs on me just when I need to hear that particular song. How does "random play" know?
How can I feel so fragile and still put up a strong front when my mind is chaos and my heart is a mess? How can a friend take me into consideration one minute, then leave me out to dry the next?
I can find whatever I need within myself, so why do I even look outside for anything at all? That's the real message, as it always is. However, I guess I need to look at my life from afar again. Like peering through the hole of the moon onto this little floating planet to see how I keep making the same mistakes. Making the same miscalculations. I shouldn't even be attempting this, I guess. My heart is way too fragile, apparently. Not so much that as it is that I keep putting myself out there. But, I decided a long time ago that putting myself out there is the only way to really live. I have to take a chance or I'll never know. It's just painful sometimes. Even when I can successfully pull myself back and prepare for whatever is to come, my feelings still get trompled on when sincerely-expressed concerns are disregarded. Everyone else's feelings are taken into consideration, except – specifically – mine. It's not anticipated for me to care or have feelings anymore, it seems.
I suppose the events that led me to make a good choice for myself need to be repeated somehow... maybe to drive the point home? maybe to prove that I was making a huge mistake in the first place? I don't know. I'm still way too close to it and and the words of explanation are still reverberating in my head, alongside my own inner voice screaming "What about me? What about how that makes ME feel?" I was the one who had the issues with the treatment to which I was exposed. I brought up my issues in a 'safe' context that I hope was growthful and healthy for everyone. I even followed up with external parties who were involved by mere proximity to ensure that no misunderstandings persisted. Now, I'm being made to feel like the other person was the victim and that the third party, who was more than a mere catalyst, now somehow deserves a red carpet reception. Like the actions were all so innocent, how dare anyone question them? The accountability for it rests... where? I believe I've taken responsibility for the parts that were my own insecurities speaking.
If we all teach people how to treat us, I guess I've been showing myself as a masochistic doormat... or maybe a red carpet to be laid down for others to walk upon.
"I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep."
mrs. potter's lullaby
-- Counting Crows
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Relationship Game
Trying to get back in the game of relationships these days. The last few years have been incredibly difficult in my life. For seven years, I allowed myself to live in a home that offered no nurturing and I watched and felt my love for my husband dissipate with each attempt to repair our bond. During our last year together, we lived together with the knowledge of the demise of our marriage between us. That year was hard, but it offered a release that allowed both of us to regain parts of ourselves while we still shared an abode. Because we placed value on that time together, we managed to grow the part of the bond that allows us to be friends. We are now respectful with each other and are looking out for the best interest of our daughter. With that common goal at the forefront of our minds, our communication is given a specific focus. There have been times where I miss him terribly, even questioning my decision. However, I still remember the pain that drove me to ask for a separation and I know we are not destined to be lovers ever again. He has come to me and called me about his own feelings of late. I know I have to be strong, despite my heart still reaching out to him, and cannot offer myself as an advisor or sounding board for his feelings. It is too difficult to separate myself to be a neutral party to his current affairs.
Now, I am out experimenting again with bonds and relationships and the many levels there are to traverse with each. Prior to my marriage, I was able to easily separate my emotions in the midst of sexual relationships. I was in the swing of the singles-scene and had my feet planted firmly beneath me with every new encounter. I was rarely swept off my feet (really only once with my hubby) and managed to maintain relationships with a few different men at once. With intention, I carefully discouraged expectations and kept myself from having any of my own. It was a fun time to explore life. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular to share in my adventures and therefore, my friends were varied and my life experiences were grand.
Fortunately, I have grown up a lot in the last nine years of being a married person. My viewpoints are matured, not only by the years, but also by having tried so many variables to attract the attention of the man who should have had me at the forefront of his mind all along. It was so trying, and disheartening, to permit myself to continue with the hope that something may yet come of the lack that I was experiencing. Of course, nothing ever did, and I am now in the process of a divorce. Finally, my husband now seems to "see" me after all these years. Unfortunately, my heart was shattered too many times to be repaired for that to begin again. Why can't men really "see" the women they become involved with? Do we all do this? It seems that the years would bring the details of a person into focus. Instead, the time together often seems to blur the uniqueness the other sees and many people seem to lose focus of who the person we're with is growing into.
Now, I'm processing another shift in my perspective. During the past few months, I have enjoyed spending time with someone special. I suppose we could continue as we are, focusing much of our free time on each other and enjoying increasing intimacy as time goes on. However, I have instead decided to give myself a gift. The gift of honesty. The truth is often painful, but can also give you wings. I don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship and he admitted to the same. So, from a place of self-worth, I decided that limiting our relationship to being friends is the best solution for me right now.
At this point in my life, I do not wish to adjust my wishes for having a meaningful relationship in order to accomodate a lover with 'potential.' I feel like I have spent too much time compromising and trying to get my lovers to "see" me. Often, men will tell me about other women as if they are putting them on a pedastal for their physical beauty, when the real beauty of a person comes from within. I appreciate everyone I know as a Beautiful Person. I do not have trouble finding something beautiful about everyone I meet. Even people who seem totally at a loss to find their own beauty can emit enough of their spirit to show the beautiful light inside. It only takes a few kind words and some special attention to let that person see what I see. It makes me a popular friend, I guess. With many men, my insights and attention make them feel good about themselves, so they offer enough to keep me around. But, I often feel like I have to "teach" them to be good with me. Does that make their subsequent motions insincere or calculated? It's difficult to know what is truthful impulse and what is reaction in a budding, yet intimate, relationship. So, I am off to continue my search for a partner who wants to share with me as an equal in an equitable relationship where we both appreciate each other and offer a form of affection that reflects that appreciation. As a giving person, I often put too much out there for anyone to match. Working on this aspect has been a priority for my interactions lately. My intention to make this positive change is working and I know that I will continue to grow healthier – mentally and emotionally.
I wish healthy growth for us all.
Peace out.
Now, I am out experimenting again with bonds and relationships and the many levels there are to traverse with each. Prior to my marriage, I was able to easily separate my emotions in the midst of sexual relationships. I was in the swing of the singles-scene and had my feet planted firmly beneath me with every new encounter. I was rarely swept off my feet (really only once with my hubby) and managed to maintain relationships with a few different men at once. With intention, I carefully discouraged expectations and kept myself from having any of my own. It was a fun time to explore life. I wasn't looking for anyone in particular to share in my adventures and therefore, my friends were varied and my life experiences were grand.
Fortunately, I have grown up a lot in the last nine years of being a married person. My viewpoints are matured, not only by the years, but also by having tried so many variables to attract the attention of the man who should have had me at the forefront of his mind all along. It was so trying, and disheartening, to permit myself to continue with the hope that something may yet come of the lack that I was experiencing. Of course, nothing ever did, and I am now in the process of a divorce. Finally, my husband now seems to "see" me after all these years. Unfortunately, my heart was shattered too many times to be repaired for that to begin again. Why can't men really "see" the women they become involved with? Do we all do this? It seems that the years would bring the details of a person into focus. Instead, the time together often seems to blur the uniqueness the other sees and many people seem to lose focus of who the person we're with is growing into.
Now, I'm processing another shift in my perspective. During the past few months, I have enjoyed spending time with someone special. I suppose we could continue as we are, focusing much of our free time on each other and enjoying increasing intimacy as time goes on. However, I have instead decided to give myself a gift. The gift of honesty. The truth is often painful, but can also give you wings. I don't think I'm ready for a committed relationship and he admitted to the same. So, from a place of self-worth, I decided that limiting our relationship to being friends is the best solution for me right now.
At this point in my life, I do not wish to adjust my wishes for having a meaningful relationship in order to accomodate a lover with 'potential.' I feel like I have spent too much time compromising and trying to get my lovers to "see" me. Often, men will tell me about other women as if they are putting them on a pedastal for their physical beauty, when the real beauty of a person comes from within. I appreciate everyone I know as a Beautiful Person. I do not have trouble finding something beautiful about everyone I meet. Even people who seem totally at a loss to find their own beauty can emit enough of their spirit to show the beautiful light inside. It only takes a few kind words and some special attention to let that person see what I see. It makes me a popular friend, I guess. With many men, my insights and attention make them feel good about themselves, so they offer enough to keep me around. But, I often feel like I have to "teach" them to be good with me. Does that make their subsequent motions insincere or calculated? It's difficult to know what is truthful impulse and what is reaction in a budding, yet intimate, relationship. So, I am off to continue my search for a partner who wants to share with me as an equal in an equitable relationship where we both appreciate each other and offer a form of affection that reflects that appreciation. As a giving person, I often put too much out there for anyone to match. Working on this aspect has been a priority for my interactions lately. My intention to make this positive change is working and I know that I will continue to grow healthier – mentally and emotionally.
I wish healthy growth for us all.
Peace out.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Let me introduce myself
Have you ever been positioned to supply your own name and you can't remember it?
Well, that's about where I am right now. Got the name part, but what about me to tell? Suddenly, it's all too complex or too mundane to be included. I guess my real self lies somewhere there... between complexity and mundanity. I am drawn to the unique, the unusual. Rarely, will I choose vanilla if there is something I haven't tried before. I want to experience this world in all it's glory and amazement. I tend to be a little radical and am often found to be on the outer 'edge' of most of what people know of.
I hope to express myself through the perspectives that I offer in this blog. If my perspectives can 'touch' others with the same, or opposing, thoughts or experiences, I hope I hear back from them!
Blessings,
--karen
Well, that's about where I am right now. Got the name part, but what about me to tell? Suddenly, it's all too complex or too mundane to be included. I guess my real self lies somewhere there... between complexity and mundanity. I am drawn to the unique, the unusual. Rarely, will I choose vanilla if there is something I haven't tried before. I want to experience this world in all it's glory and amazement. I tend to be a little radical and am often found to be on the outer 'edge' of most of what people know of.
I hope to express myself through the perspectives that I offer in this blog. If my perspectives can 'touch' others with the same, or opposing, thoughts or experiences, I hope I hear back from them!
Blessings,
--karen
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